Month: February 2011

  • Invisible

    This blog is mine.
    It is sometimes used for silly thing or life updates.
    Other times it is therapeutic.
    This is one of those times.

    I felt invisible today.
    Have you ever felt unseen? Overlooked? Unnecessary?
    I did today.
    I am not whining or fishing for sympathy -
    Though I feel entitled to both right now.

    It kind of started last night.
    Chad's been working late because he is behind and his big class week starts next Monday.
    Not his fault, but a few lonesome evenings.
    Last night I tried to call my older brother.
    When we were very young he was my best friend - sometimes he felt like my only friend.
    I even tell people I want to have a baby boy first just because I cherished having an older brother and I want my kids to have the same experience.
    Lately distance and apathy has drifted us apart, but I never stopped loving him as my older brother.
    Anyway, I tried calling him.
    He had a bad day and I thought I could cheer him up or just be there for him.
    I thought, surely if anyone could make him feel better it would be his sister.
    He wouldn't even talk to me.
    *insert knife*
    I even had his wife put me on speaker phone and I told him I loved him and wanted to talk.
    He walked out of the room.
    *twist knife*

    That might not sound like a big deal to you, or perhaps even a little dramatic.... but I was hurt.
    I felt the distance between us like a never ending desert.
    Suddenly I felt the distance between me and everyone I hold dear exponentially.

    I went to bed determined to feel better in the morning...

    This morning I went to my first class and that is when the invisibility started.
    My teacher asked a question, I raised my hand first... She looked right at me and then called on another student.
    What the?
    Oh well... moving on...
    I went on a walk to feel better.... and I did enjoy myself on my walk...
    But then in my next class the same thing happened.
    Then I began placing the desks back where they're supposed to go - in rows.
    (We place ours in a circle for our class)
    I had moved like 3 desks, but this other kid moved one and the teacher made a big deal out of it.
    Said we should all follow his example and how proud she was of him helping.
    Ugh.
    Next class.
    Favorite teacher.
    Same frickin' thing.
    Raised hand - not called on.
    Asked everyone in the class to share what they had brought to class, except me.
    Forgot to ask me.
    Forgot I was even there.

    Now, I know this sounds melodramatic and even a little self-indulgent....
    But it does not negate how these things made me feel.
    I was alone all day, and unnoticed on top of that.
    My brother doesn't even want to talk to me.
    I have one friend in KC, but we hardly see each other.
    The people who know me (besides Chad) live out of state.
    And
    It
    HURTS.
    It hurts like hell.

    It's that ache that builds up inside you until you can't stop the dam of tears breaking and the superficial facade falling down. I cried on the drive home despite my best efforts to contain my tears. I cried when I got home. I posted a short status on Facebook about feeling invisible only to get sarcastic or insensitive comments from 90% of the people who commented. I hate Facebook sometimes.

    I just want a hug from someone who knows me and doesn't need me to explain anything.
    I want to feel seen and wanted and necessary in tangible ways.
    I want someone to understand me and accept me for me - with all my emotions, complications and flaws.

    That's all.

  • Why did the Chicken cross the road? :)

    Okay, So I know some of these are stereotypes and over-generalizations, but this is HILARIOUS! Seriously, this had me laughing.... :)

    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

    JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation ...and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken   to cross the road. This  experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it  deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just  want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEEEEEW CAAAAAAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

    ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

  • Five Years Can Change a Person

    Five years ago to this very day I took a personality test.
    Go ahead.
    Go back 5 years on this Xanga site and see what type of person I was at the age of 22....

    Did you?

    If you're on Facebook, you may need to click on my Xanga link for this one.
    It's really not that hard to click on a Xanga link ALL the way from Facebook.
    But here I will even give the link....

    http://www.xanga.com/pla2pus09 - 5 YEARS AGO TODAY

    Okay...

    The results of this simple personality test from 5 years ago astounded me!
    I definitely do not see myself like this anymore...

    So I retook it...

    Here are the results from today:

    You are Conscientious, Agreeable, Neurotic and Open

    Extroversion:
    You have low extroversion.
    You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
    A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
    You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.

    Conscientiousness:
    You have high conscientiousness.
    Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
    Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
    But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

    Agreeableness:
    You have high agreeableness.
    You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
    Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
    You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

    Neuroticism:
    You have medium neuroticism.
    You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
    Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
    Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

    Openness to experience:
    Your openness to new experiences is medium.
    You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
    But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
    You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

    Some things about me stayed the same and others didn't.
    I didn't expect to be so different.
    I am less extroverted and outgoing.
    I am more neurotic.. (not a surprise! haha)

    My point in all of this?

    People change.

    Some things about people stay the same.
    Others don't.
    We can't let tiny details about people's personalities keep us from a beautiful friendship or even a long-term relationship.
    Tiny details about people change over time.
    Find out the concrete things important to you in a friend/significant other/whatever
    There are definitely deal breakers in every relationship/friendship.
    I am not saying that you and I and we should not have standards of some sort.
    I am simply saying no one is perfect.
    Since when did we decide we were worthy of perfection?
    We are not perfect.

    Take a deep breathe.
    Choose to trust God and surrender everything to Him.
    And go out on a limb.
    You might find in 2 months this person you pursued is not a dependable friend - and that is important to you.
    You might find in 6 months this person gets on your every last nerve - and you can't live with that forever.
    Or you may  find out that you have grown to truly love and appreciate this person in spite of their annoyances.

    Friendship sees beyond a person's flaws/failures and loves them unconditionally.
    Marriage is the union of two flawed/failings human beings who choose to love each other through all the difficult big things and the really annoying little things.

    The world is full of lonely people.
    Go love someone for who they are.