June 28, 2011

  • The End

    Well, this has been coming for a while.

    Xanga has neglected to keep up with the modern technology of blogging.
    Most of my friends on Xanga have moved on. (I know not all of you, but seriously most of them have.)

    AND – a lot of Xanga has, in my opinion, become a place for non-serious bloggers….


    So…. with that said.
    I am launching a new blog with Word Press!

    Here is the link!



    For those of you that still read my Xanga, thank you.
    I would LOVE for you to read my new blog as well.

    You don’t need to have a Word Press account to read or comment.

    Simply go to my blog and subscribe to the RSS feed.
    You can add it to your Google Reader (my favorite way to subscribe to blogs)
    Or you can just sign up for the email subscription feature.


    Xanga, it’s been real.
    You’ve been a good friend.
    I won’t forget the good times we’ve had.
    I am not shutting you down completely.
    I am just letting you retire. :)


June 22, 2011

  • Desires in check.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of desire.

    There are things I want.
    I am not fully content.

    I believe strongly that one desire of mine in particular is from God and is a huge part of what I feel my life’s calling entails.
    I want a baby.
    I want several babies.
    I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was like 3 years old – or about as far back as I could possibly remember. 

    Yet, I am nearly 28 years old and I am not even pregnant.
    98% of my friends have at least one child.
    Around 1/2 of those have a 2nd child or are about to.
    Even some have a 3rd child!
    I can’t help feeling somewhat behind.
    I know it’s not a race. I know everyone’s story is different. I know I shouldn’t have a baby just because my friends are. I know. I know.

    It’s not that. I’d want a baby whether any of my friends had one or not. I just want one and I always have!
    My friends having babies simply shows me visually what I am missing out on.
    Poopy diapers?
    Bring em on!
    Sleepless nights?
    Let’s do this!
    Lack of free time and independence?
    I’m fine with that!

    This is where I have to check myself.
    Are my desires lining up with God’s plan for me and His timing?
    Am I making an idol out of a dream?
    Is being a mother more important to me than God’s timing?

    I recently watched a Francis Chan video clip.
    I seriously respect this guy.
    He was doing a video promo for his up-coming book “Erasing Hell”
    In the video, he was talking about when people say…. “If God is loving, why would He do _____?” or “If I were a compassionate God, I certainly wouldn’t let _____ happen….”
    Chan then goes to the verse in the Bible where God says that His thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are not our ways.

    Chan then blew my mind when he said, “The creator’s sense of justice may be more developed than yours…. don’t put God’s actions in submission to your reasoning…”
    Ever since I heard him say that, I’ve been thinking about all the times when I question God…. or get impatient…. or try to get ahead of Him…. or whatever…

    And it brings me back full circle to my desire to be a mother.
    Is my idea about “good timing” for this life-changing event laid at the feet of my Creator?
    Is my desire for a baby under the humble submission to God’s will and perfect timing, no matter how long that might be?

    Humility is not fun.
    It means I don’t get to have it my way.
    It means I can’t throw a fit and complain and do whatever I want.
    It means I have to trust with seeing and remind myself that He loves me oh so very much. 
    He gave me this desire for children.
    He did not give it to me to torture me.
    Until the right time comes, He is teaching me patience, faith, trust, hope, humility, dependence….


    * * *


    Here is the link to the Francis Chan video is any body wants it.



June 20, 2011

  • :-

    For the first time in my 9 year blogging life, I feel unmotivated to blog because I feel like no one reads this anymore.

    I used to not care, but now I do.


April 27, 2011

  • Makin’ Out and Lyrics

    I’ve always been a big fan of Pomplamoose for making songs that I find “meh” sooo much better…

    However, they introduced me to a song I hadn’t heard before I heard Pomplamoose’s cover.
    “Makin’ Out” by Mark Owen is seriously one of my new favorite songs.
    I tend to love music primarily based on lyrics.
    I mean an artist or band has to be able to sing it well, and I usually lean towards great percussion, bass and good harmonies/melodies…
    But a song can sound great and have atrocious lyrics.
    As a writer this appalls me.
    Lyrics are fundamental.

    This is why I LOVE the song “Makin’ Out”
    I like Mark Owen’s original for a more upbeat version and I like Pomplamoose’s cover for a more romantic, slower version – because the lyrics are just beautiful!
    To me, they define a real committed relationship.
    A realistic loving marriage with the humanity and without all the Disney.

    So here are the lyrics, as well the YouTube links to both versions for those of you who haven’t heard this song! :)


    I’ll be the one who brings you coffee when you can’t get up
    I’ll be the one who turns the light out when you go to sleep
    I’ll be the one who turns your stomach into something else
    and you say shut up, shut up, every time I say

    I’ll be the one who takes your coat off, one to take the blame
    I’ll be the one you call your lover, every now and then
    You’ll be the one who keeps me sober, one to keep me sane
    and you say shut up, shut up, every time I say it

    And I’d cut my fingers to the bone,
    I’d split my sides in for you

    Tonight, we throw ourselves away
    We make it every time
    I thought I was okay
    You said I was alright
    As the night comes crashing down
    We catch ourselves a line
    We’re only makin’ out
    We’re makin’ out alright

    I’ll be the one who stands beside you in the photograph
    I’ll be the one that’s in your water when you want me there
    I’ll be the one you’re falling over every time you laugh
    and you say shut up, shut up, every time I say

    I’ll be the one who keeps you guessing, who swears a lot
    I’ll be the one that left your color in the white wash
    You’ll be the one who knocks a man out I was beating up
    and you say shut up, shut up, every time I say it

    And you cut my face, I told you so
    I’d tear my eyes out for you

    Tonight, we throw ourselves away
    We make it every time
    I thought I was okay
    You said I was alright
    As the night comes crashing down
    We catch ourselves a line
    We’re only makin’ out
    We’re makin’ out alright

    Pomplamoose Cover:


    Mark Owen Original:


April 24, 2011

  • Four Holes

    Quick update.
    I have 4 holes in me.
    They are healing.
    The belly button one hurts the most ironically since that just seems like a non-violent body part.

    Main complaint?
    I am tired all the time.
    The other day I woke up at 8:30am after sleeping all night for about 11 hours. I feel asleep again at around 10am and didn’t wake up until nearly 2pm.
    I am exhausted.

    Main reason to rejoice?
    No more freaking gall bladder issues.
    I survived the surgery and the worst is behind me.
    About a week or so more of healing and I should be feeling fantastic.

    On a positive note… I am watching the entire Season 6 of 24…. I am having lots of quality time with my kitties… and I am too weak to manage doing the dishes, so…. yay. :)

    More to come later when I am feeling up to it.
    A few HD pictures of my insides…. some details…. etc.

    Happy Easter! :)

April 9, 2011

  • Springtime

    I decided I need a more positive blog post, so here you have it.
    I am ecstatic that it is finally springtime.

    Warmer temps.
    Trees budding with flowers.
    The smell of fresh cut grass.
    Still cold enough to enjoy a cup of coffee, but warm enough to have iced tea constantly in stock in the fridge.
    It’s like God hugging you after you’ve been locked in a freezer for 7 years.
    It is warmth to my soul.

    School will be over in 3.2 weeks.
    Surgery to follow that unless something happens to cause me to get surgery sooner than later.
    (I’m still toying with that idea.)
    Summer brings friends visiting.
    Camping trips.
    New jobs.
    Making more disposable income.
    House projects.
    Large reading lists.
    Movie lists.
    Paintings that need painting.

    But for now, I will enjoy Spring…. The homework… the rain…. the growth…. and the warmth….

March 19, 2011

  • Cholecystectomy

    For those that have been wondering…

    Yes, I am having surgery.
    My surgery if scheduled for April 1st at 6am.
    I will be the first surgery of the day – not sure how I feel about that.
    The surgery is known as a Cholecystectomy.
    It’s basically a minimally invasive out patient laproscopic removal of my gallbladder.


    About 4 weeks ago I began having random, unpredictable SEVERE episodes of pain.
    They seemed to come without warning and would cause me to double over, cry, scream and wish I were dead.
    I also was not able to “breathe through the pain” like they sometimes tell you to do because I could not breathe during this painful episodes.
    Imagine someone stabbing you in the upper abdomen directly under your rib cage and twisting the knife over and over for 20-45 minutes without relenting while a 1,000 lb man sits on your chest restricting your breathing.
    Welcome to my world.

    Turns out it’s my gall bladder, which isn’t working at all.
    There are a few small stones, but no more than any normal person has on a normal basis.
    The problem is moreso that my gall bladder is not filling up with bile like it is supposed to in between meals.
    It is remaining 100% empty and tightly contracted all the time.
    The painful episodes are either severe contractions or my body attacking my gall bladder because it now views it as a threat – or both.

    Here is what an ultrasound image of a healthy gall bladder looks like after 8-12 hours of not eating:

    The dark blobby shape is the gall bladder full of bile. It looks dark because the sound waves are traveling through the bile easily.

    My gall bladder is not healthy and not full of bile.

    This is an idea of what mine looks like:

    Hard to find, incredibly small – no bile whatsoever:

    I am grateful, however, that my gall bladder does not look like this:



    So the following image on the left is the procedure I am scheduled for.
    There is a 1/40 chance I might need the procedure shown on the right, which is the same thing, but much more invasive, bigger scar and much longer recovery time.

    It is a major surgery either way and I will be under general anesthesia.
    Yours prayers are most welcome and appreciated. :)

    - Tasha

March 13, 2011

  • We are broken.

    We’re all broken.
    From our earthly bodies to our inner fragility – we are broken.
    I, for one, can never trust the person who has it altogether.
    Something is there under the surface waiting to explode…or implode… whichever comes first.
    We are all selfish and needy. We want to act in our own best interest most of the time and it takes focused concentrated effort to think of others first.
    It’s because we are broken.

    The person who is quickest to offer their advice and opinion is often the person with the least experience.
    The people who speak before they think are often the people who have had the least amount of deep wounds inflicted upon them by another.
    The idea that “they’ll get over it” or “they shouldn’t be so sensitive” or “it’s not my problem, it’s theirs” reflects our selfish human nature.
    We act like philanthropists on a mission to save the world, but we can’t even love our neighbor.
    People claim to be a part of ministry and “loving others” but they love the people who are least connected to them in a grand show of God’s compassion and mercy, while the people who they encounter on a daily basis trudge on lonely, needy and wounded.
    We are broken.

    I’ve obviously become somewhat of a cynic, if you can’t tell.
    The naivete of my youth replaced by the reality of life.
    People let you down.
    All the time.
    Always will.
    Our basic drive is ourselves, not just others, just ashamedly myself as well.
    We are broken.

    I long to love like Christ loves the church – unconditionally, unselfishly, unreservedly with unending compassion and mercy.
    I read on a friend’s FB wall today this quote: “I want nothing less than to be all that for which the blood of God’s dear Son was shed.”
    I realized that we are this everyday.
    To say we want to be “all that for which the blood of God’s dear Son was shed” means that we want to be the sinful nature’d sinners for “which the blood of God’s dear Son was shed.”
    Because that is exactly who He died for.
    Not the religious, pious “watch me as I serve God” white washed tombs….
    Not for the people who seem to have it all together, while inside they hide and bury their selfishness, greed, lust and anger.
    Jesus died for sinners.
    For you and me and all our inner filth.
    We are broken.

    Maybe that’s the point.
    Maybe we are full of selfish ambition because that is the core of our earthly beings.
    Maybe we try and do good deeds to make up for that, or to show God we’re worthy of his sacrifice.
    We’re not worthy.
    We were not worthy 2000 years ago and we’re not worthy today.
    A sacrifice was made for our redemption that we did not merit.
    We are broken.

    I am not saying we shouldn’t try and do good deeds and love others to the best of our abilities.
    I am simply saying that maybe we should be much, much slower to judge others for their actions.
    I am saying that maybe we should own up to our own selfish behavior and ask ourselves how we can better love others when it does not benefit us in any way.
    I am saying that we should beg God to fill us with HIS love so that we can better love others as He does.
    Maybe loving our enemies doesn’t mean loving those we might hate or disapprove of who live outside of our world, but maybe it means loving those in our lives who are difficult to love.
    Maybe it means loving the annoying people in our lives.
    Loving the proud.
    Loving those who have wounded us.
    Loving ourselves.

    We’re all broken and every single one of us needs to be loved.

February 23, 2011

  • Invisible

    This blog is mine.
    It is sometimes used for silly thing or life updates.
    Other times it is therapeutic.
    This is one of those times.

    I felt invisible today.
    Have you ever felt unseen? Overlooked? Unnecessary?
    I did today.
    I am not whining or fishing for sympathy –
    Though I feel entitled to both right now.

    It kind of started last night.
    Chad’s been working late because he is behind and his big class week starts next Monday.
    Not his fault, but a few lonesome evenings.
    Last night I tried to call my older brother.
    When we were very young he was my best friend – sometimes he felt like my only friend.
    I even tell people I want to have a baby boy first just because I cherished having an older brother and I want my kids to have the same experience.
    Lately distance and apathy has drifted us apart, but I never stopped loving him as my older brother.
    Anyway, I tried calling him.
    He had a bad day and I thought I could cheer him up or just be there for him.
    I thought, surely if anyone could make him feel better it would be his sister.
    He wouldn’t even talk to me.
    *insert knife*
    I even had his wife put me on speaker phone and I told him I loved him and wanted to talk.
    He walked out of the room.
    *twist knife*

    That might not sound like a big deal to you, or perhaps even a little dramatic…. but I was hurt.
    I felt the distance between us like a never ending desert.
    Suddenly I felt the distance between me and everyone I hold dear exponentially.

    I went to bed determined to feel better in the morning…

    This morning I went to my first class and that is when the invisibility started.
    My teacher asked a question, I raised my hand first… She looked right at me and then called on another student.
    What the?
    Oh well… moving on…
    I went on a walk to feel better…. and I did enjoy myself on my walk…
    But then in my next class the same thing happened.
    Then I began placing the desks back where they’re supposed to go – in rows.
    (We place ours in a circle for our class)
    I had moved like 3 desks, but this other kid moved one and the teacher made a big deal out of it.
    Said we should all follow his example and how proud she was of him helping.
    Next class.
    Favorite teacher.
    Same frickin’ thing.
    Raised hand – not called on.
    Asked everyone in the class to share what they had brought to class, except me.
    Forgot to ask me.
    Forgot I was even there.

    Now, I know this sounds melodramatic and even a little self-indulgent….
    But it does not negate how these things made me feel.
    I was alone all day, and unnoticed on top of that.
    My brother doesn’t even want to talk to me.
    I have one friend in KC, but we hardly see each other.
    The people who know me (besides Chad) live out of state.
    It hurts like hell.

    It’s that ache that builds up inside you until you can’t stop the dam of tears breaking and the superficial facade falling down. I cried on the drive home despite my best efforts to contain my tears. I cried when I got home. I posted a short status on Facebook about feeling invisible only to get sarcastic or insensitive comments from 90% of the people who commented. I hate Facebook sometimes.

    I just want a hug from someone who knows me and doesn’t need me to explain anything.
    I want to feel seen and wanted and necessary in tangible ways.
    I want someone to understand me and accept me for me – with all my emotions, complications and flaws.

    That’s all.

February 22, 2011

  • Why did the Chicken cross the road? :)

    Okay, So I know some of these are stereotypes and over-generalizations, but this is HILARIOUS! Seriously, this had me laughing…. :)

    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

    JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation …and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken   to cross the road. This  experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it  deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just  want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEEEEEW CAAAAAAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

    ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?