February 23, 2011

• Invisible

  This blog is mine.
  It is sometimes used for silly thing or life updates.
  Other times it is therapeutic.
  This is one of those times.

  I felt invisible today.
  Have you ever felt unseen? Overlooked? Unnecessary?
  I did today.
  I am not whining or fishing for sympathy –
  Though I feel entitled to both right now.

  It kind of started last night.
  Chad’s been working late because he is behind and his big class week starts next Monday.
  Not his fault, but a few lonesome evenings.
  Last night I tried to call my older brother.
  When we were very young he was my best friend – sometimes he felt like my only friend.
  I even tell people I want to have a baby boy first just because I cherished having an older brother and I want my kids to have the same experience.
  Lately distance and apathy has drifted us apart, but I never stopped loving him as my older brother.
  Anyway, I tried calling him.
  He had a bad day and I thought I could cheer him up or just be there for him.
  I thought, surely if anyone could make him feel better it would be his sister.
  He wouldn’t even talk to me.
  *insert knife*
  I even had his wife put me on speaker phone and I told him I loved him and wanted to talk.
  He walked out of the room.
  *twist knife*

  That might not sound like a big deal to you, or perhaps even a little dramatic…. but I was hurt.
  I felt the distance between us like a never ending desert.
  Suddenly I felt the distance between me and everyone I hold dear exponentially.

  I went to bed determined to feel better in the morning…

  This morning I went to my first class and that is when the invisibility started.
  My teacher asked a question, I raised my hand first… She looked right at me and then called on another student.
  What the?
  Oh well… moving on…
  I went on a walk to feel better…. and I did enjoy myself on my walk…
  But then in my next class the same thing happened.
  Then I began placing the desks back where they’re supposed to go – in rows.
  (We place ours in a circle for our class)
  I had moved like 3 desks, but this other kid moved one and the teacher made a big deal out of it.
  Said we should all follow his example and how proud she was of him helping.
  Ugh.
  Next class.
  Favorite teacher.
  Same frickin’ thing.
  Raised hand – not called on.
  Asked everyone in the class to share what they had brought to class, except me.
  Forgot to ask me.
  Forgot I was even there.

  Now, I know this sounds melodramatic and even a little self-indulgent….
  But it does not negate how these things made me feel.
  I was alone all day, and unnoticed on top of that.
  My brother doesn’t even want to talk to me.
  I have one friend in KC, but we hardly see each other.
  The people who know me (besides Chad) live out of state.
  And
  It
  HURTS.
  It hurts like hell.

  It’s that ache that builds up inside you until you can’t stop the dam of tears breaking and the superficial facade falling down. I cried on the drive home despite my best efforts to contain my tears. I cried when I got home. I posted a short status on Facebook about feeling invisible only to get sarcastic or insensitive comments from 90% of the people who commented. I hate Facebook sometimes.

  I just want a hug from someone who knows me and doesn’t need me to explain anything.
  I want to feel seen and wanted and necessary in tangible ways.
  I want someone to understand me and accept me for me – with all my emotions, complications and flaws.

  That’s all.

  • 10:41 pm
  • 2 Comments