December is starting in less than 2 hours....
I'm looking forward to next Tuesday.

This semester has been rather hectic.
Adjusting to a new city and a new school.
Adjusting to what actually feels like "higher education" for the first time in my life.
Vowing to never take more than 12 credit hours at a time.
House hunting.... buying a house... adapting to said house...
Family visits.
Writing Competency Tests.
Trying to make friends.
Failing to make friends.
Wishing I had friends.
New kitties.
New surroundings.
New job for Chad that he doesn't care too deeply for.
Life.

I am looking forward to next Tuesday cause the semester will officially be over.
I plan on trying to finish our Christmas shopping.
I also plan on reading two Ted Dekker novels I painfully had to put on hold, so I could focus on school.

In a week and a half, we fly to Florida to visit Kimmie, Ryan and little Judah.
MUCH needed vacation.
MUCH needed quality time and touch with my best friend - who knows and understands me.
Refreshing.

Once we come back, it's a mere 4 days before we drive down to Texas for Christmas vacation.
Hopefully we will have plenty of time to see all family and friends.
Looking forward to seeing Chad's family and celebrating Christmas and Zane's 7th birthday.
I can't believe he is seven!
Maybe we will get some good time in with the Hearn brothers - always good times.

Next semester brings new classes.
A new part time job.
Just newness in general.
I think I see a light at the end of this 2010 tunnel.

They say no man is an island, but at times it certainly feels that way.
To be surrounded by people and feel unseen... unknown.
To be just on the cusp of companionship and friendship only to have it snatched away from you.
Lights turned off.
Hope diminished.
Heart aching with longing and pain.
What did I do?

So often the only thing I have ever wanted was to be heard.
Now, it's to be known.
Wanted.
We all long to be wanted, but few people have the time or patience or desire to show us we are wanted.
When you finally do find someone you feel wants you around and enjoys your company - enough that you can be yourself and brutally honest and talk late into the night for hours - you want to cling to them because it has just been so freaking long.
But you can't.
You would certainly scare them off by clinging to them.
Inevitably that nagging voice in the back of your head begins to whisper that they probably won't want you around much longer anyway.
Fear.
Insecurity.
Walls go up.
When will these butterflies in the stomach take a break?

Isn't it perfectly human to want these things?
Isn't it perfectly normal to cling to the discovered treasure you've been searching for?
Why is it then that people make you feel abnormal?
Don't be too extreme.
Don't rush into things.
Suppress your feelings and everything your wanting to say and do and "be normal."
Does this even make sense?
Or is it just the way things have become?

I'll never understand the dangling of a carrot in front of a lonely person that is removed without explanation.
I'll never understand why people are too busy to be human.

You're welcome.

link

10.20.2010 is goin' down in the history books!

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Today... sometime this morning....

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My two best friends in the whole world...

...gave birth to their first child!

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Judah Andrew Carter!

He is sooo cute!

Even though I wasn't there (I certainly wished I could be!), it was a very surreal moment for me 16 hours away. Just knowing these two wonderful people for so long who have been such a huge part of my life has been blessing enough..... To have introduced them to each other, stand with them when they got married and now to see them bring a new life into the world... There are no words.

In December, Chad and I get to fly to Florida to visit them and meet Judah.... I can't wait!

Welcome to the world, Judah!

The message at church today was absolutely wonderful.
He was discussing the topic of forgiveness made possible through the shed blood of Jesus in a new and refreshing way.
I just love how smart our Pastor is.
Not just because he has a PhD...  but because of how he uses the most random knowledge in his sermons.
He doesn't just fixate on one verse and then scream his personal interpretation of it from the pulpit.
He takes a portion of scripture and dissects it like a surgeon, giving scientific and historical significance if applicable and then brings it all back to a new and relevant point that we can apply to life today.
He has a gift, I think.

Anyway, I wanted to share a story he told in church today.
I will be paraphrasing most of it, obviously... but I still want to share.

A certain lady was claiming to having several visions of Jesus.
This rumor made it's way to the arch bishop, who wanted to meet with her to discuss these visions.
He was slightly skeptical, but mostly wanting to assure that these visions were legitimate and not some kind of publicity stunt or something.
The arch bishop visited her house and asked her about the visions.
She told him.
He then said, "Tell you what. I would like for you to ask Jesus next time you see him what sins I confessed to during my last confession. Ask him that and I will return."
He left and a few days passed by.
He then learned that she had experienced another vision, so he went to her house.
When he arrived, he asked her, "Did you ask Jesus what sins I last confessed to?"
She grasped his hands firmly and looked intently into his eyes, "Yes. Yes, I did."
The arch bishop, now slightly unnerved, said, "Well, what were they?"
She closed her eyes and tears trailed down her cheeks....
She said softly, "I asked Jesus and he told me that he doesn't remember. He doesn't remember..."

I instantly felt my spirit stir.
That is what I needed to hear.
There is nothing hanging over my head.
Once confessed and forgiven, there is nothing left to linger in shame over.
He doesn't remember.
What a wonderful thought!
I mean, I know God is all-knowing.... but He is also all-powerful. Which means if He wants to forget the sins we have confessed then He can choose to do so.
Truth I always knew in my head, but today it settled in my heart.
Oh, how He loves us.

"And through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross. This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault." - Colossians 1: 20-22

"He will again have compassion on us;
He will tread our iniquities underfoot.
You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea."
- Micah 7:19

This song (the lyrics and the passion of the chorus especially) make my spirit leap every time I hear it! I get goosebumps and my stomach literally gets butterflies and I feel like just crying because of how overwhelmed with love I feel. Amazing....

The first verse repeats twice, but it's worth getting through just to hear the amazing chorus! I recommend turning your speakers up high...I wish I could play an instrument of any sort just so I could jam out to this song!

I finished two major papers today and took a quiz.
I am gonna take a break and watch an episode of Sliders.
Yes, I am THAT nerdy. I can't help it. I love it's 90's cheesiness... but mostly the creativity behind it.

Then I am gonna at least get a draft going for another major paper due Monday.

Did I ever say that I LOVE making Chad happy?
In the little things really... they bring me the most joy.
Tonight I made homemade tostadas..... so yummy.
Chad was seemingly enchanted by them.
Yeah... it made me happy.

Till the next alternate dimension....

Last week I made Zucchini Fudge Cake and it was DELICIOUS!!
Very similar concept to Banana Bread or Carrot Cake - only with chocolate and zucchini!

SO... I thought I'd share the recipe with pics and point out what I really liked about it.

What I liked best:

1. It tastes amazing! The zucchini actually helps it retain moisture until the very last slice!
2. You get a serving a veggies, yogurt and other healthy ingredients. I know cake, in and of itself, is not healthy, but if you're going to have yummy cake and you can add veggies and have it be even yummier - then why not?
3. It was the first time I had baked in our new kitchen. Yay!

Recipe:

Ingredients:

1 cup butter, softened
2 & 1/2 cups sugar
4 eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla extract
3 cups of all-purpose flour
1/2 cup of baking cocoa
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon of baking soda
3/4 teaspoon of salt
1 cup buttermilk (OR you can do what I did and substitute 1 cup of plain yogurt. Tastes the same in the cake, but MUCH healthier!)
2&1/2 to 3 cups of shredded zucchini
4 cups of chocolate frosting

Step 1:

In a large mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in Vanilla. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add this dry mixture to the creamed mixture a little at a time alternately with the buttermilk/plain yogurt, beating well after each addition. Softly stir in shredded zucchini.

Step 2:

Pour into three greased and floured 9-inch round baking pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing cake from pans to a wire rack to cool completely. Spread frosting between layers and over the top and sides of the cake.

Viola! Instant Magical Nomminess!

Pics!

It's been a while, I know.
But I'm here, aren't I?

My last post was written 3 days before school started.
It's been a whirlwind!
I've never been so busy with school before.
Partly because I've never taken 15 credit hours before.
Partly because one of those classes is an 8 week course, which means it's "double time" speed
Which means I feel as if I am taking 18 credits right now based on workload alone.

Despite the heavy load, I REALLY love my classes!
Being able to finally concentrate my classes around my degree is wonderful!

I have the charming and funny Dr. Okerstrom teaching us Early American Literature.
It's an early class, but there is no way you can get bored in his class!
It's always a lively discussion full of wit, humor and the occasional religious or political debate.
(Most literature from early America was either political in nature, or was a sermon of some sorts)
We were just ASSIGNED the homework of reading John Edwards, "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God"
I LOVED it! Based on the title, I didn't think I would... but the sermon is not so much "fire and brimstone" as it was sovereignty of God, how sin angers him and how he is full of grace, but he is also just.
It was a beautiful read.

After that class I have "Reading and Writing Nonfiction Prose" with another Dr. Ockerstrom.
She is Dr. Okerstrom's sister and they both teach at my University.
They intentionally spell their names differently.
She says he spells his wrong. lol
From the title of this class, I was feeling very intimidated.
However, despite the vast forms of "Non-Fiction Prose" like Memoirs, Biographies, etc.... We are focusing on the form of a Personal Essay or a Personal Narrative.
This just happens to be the way I naturally write!
Non-structured opinion based writing coming from deep thought about something big or nothing at all, all relating back somehow to the human condition - or something a reader can connect to.
It's basically journal writing with an audience in mind.
Not this type of journal persay.... but if i were to design a blog about writing about things that I come across that cause me to reflect inwardly and "what it all means" then I would have written a personal essay.
It's still a very challenging class, but I love it!

My last class for my MWF schedule is: "Introduction to Language and Literature"
This class is my 2nd heaviest class in terms of homework and reading and whatnot.
However, the things we talk about are extremely interesting to me.
In addition to this, I adore my teacher, Dr. Donnelli!
She is funny and understanding and willing to give us the time of day.
She is wonderful!
At first I didn't care for the class because we had to go over things such as phonemes, morphemes, syntax, etc....
We also learned about Noam Chompski.
Now, we are getting into much more interesting stuff like Pragmatics, discourse styles, etc... so interesting!

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Photography 1, because I declared an Art Minor.
I like the class work itself, but my teacher is really boring and kind of a creeper.
I don't want to get into it too deeply on the internet, but he makes a lot of comments towards women in my class that are inappropriate ...and when I goggled his name (which I shall not publish here) I found that his favorite subject in Photography is women in the nude. :-
Nothing wrong with that from an artistic mindset, per say.... unless that's the only thing you seem to photograph combined with comments made in class... *creeped out*
Oh well.
I am learning a lot in this class too!
I now know how to control my camera, instead of the other way around.... and I can develop film in a darkroom using chemicals!

I also have an Online class. This is my "double time" class and keeps me VERY busy each week.
A typical week is:
- Read Chapters 19, 20 and 21.
- Post in the Discussion Board your answers to 2 of the 3 questions listed.
- Write a 2 page paper on EACH of the questions listed online under "Week __"
- Write a four page paper comparing and contrasting two of the poem's you have read in this class
- Take the weekly Quiz
- Oh, and use MLA citations for EVERYTHING!
- Ugh.

Great class, but I wish it wasn't double time. Maybe if it weren't I could actually read some of this amazing literature with enjoyment.... :-

So that's life right now.... Once my online class is finished, I am sure I will feel a lot better....
Day it's over?
OCTOBER 5TH.

I had to talk to my biological father the other day.
It was as strange and difficult as it always is.
I don't have any pent up bitterness or anything...
Just lingering awkwardness and remorse

I know he feels bad for what he did.
It doesn't erase what his mistake stole from me and my brothers.
I don't know if it's harder for a boy or girl to lose their father
And to know he lived 10 minutes away and never comes to visit
But it had a tremendous impact on me as a young girl suddenly fatherless.

So it just goes without saying that talking to him on the phone is difficult.
Forgiveness is there.
But the need or want of a future relationship was long ago put to rest.
A combination of a great stepdad, godly male mentors I could look up to and a loving and healing heavenly Father abolished my need for anything more.

Anyway, I share all this with you because I was listening to this song today that used to truly minister to me during my need as a young girl.
It spoke so tenderly to my broken heart and helped heal and put the pieces back together.
It is such an example of our loving God in heaven and his heart for the broken.
Those who have been broken He has promised to mend and make new - even stronger than before.

- -

"Always" by Newsboys

What were you thinking?
I got a right to ask
Is there a reason other than your past?
A great pretender
Why was I the last to see through your skin?
Is there a chance you'll ever change?

It's always the same
You're always to blame
Is there any way around this
I can't see
You walked out on her
You planned to be free
I'm trying not to point the finger
But it's killing me

What were you thinking?
Were you thinking of me?
Did you see what they wrote on the family tree?
I know it's over
All in the past
I need to forgive you
If I'm to last - will I ever change?

It's always the same
You're always to blame
Is there any way around this
I can't see
You walked out on her
You planned to be free
I'm trying not to point the finger
But it's killing me

Take these pieces
Thrown away
Put them together from
Night 'n' day
Washed by the sun
Dried by the rain
To be my Father
In the fatherless days

Take these pieces
Thrown away
Put them together from
Night 'n' day
Washed by the sun
Dried by the rain
To be my Father
In the fatherless days